If I Die Young
by Ratchet Maverick
Summary: "Her smile, it can light up a room and if not, at least your world. She said that is all that really matters; you. She lied." Santana returns to McKinley for Brittany, but she's too late.


**So this is pretty much the first story I've ever written, the idea came to me whilst listening to Santana's version of 'If I Die Young' and Birdy's cover of 'Let Her Go' and instead of writing a history essay for college, I decided to write this. **

**This is slightly AU in the sense that Santana and Brittany were never an out of the closet couple. You should be able to deduce what's happened.**

**Warning: Character death**

* * *

_They lied._

There is only one thought you can focus on right now, something you thought to have at least some truth to it, but it doesn't exist; they lied.

There is no light. There is no life flashing before your eyes. There isn't even any pain.

Pain.

_Why is there no pain?_ Surely the predicament you find yourself in should warrant some pain? Yet... nothing. You can feel nothing. You wish you could, however. Feeling something, anything, even pain, would mean you were still alive.

_Am I still alive?_

The thought rings hollow throughout your mind. _Am I dead? _You are not sure_. _Whichever way you phrase it, it will still mean nothing in the end. The only thing that you know to be true at the moment is if you are not already dead, you will be soon.

_Why me?_

You are not sure how you got to this point in your life, lying in a corridor, bathing in a pool of your own blood, alone. Was it because of the way you acted in your younger years? Was it because you were too scared to admit who you really were? _Is this my damnation?_ Throughout your life you knew you were different, _what would it be like to kiss a girl?,_ you knew these thoughts were not 'normal'. You could not think about a girl like this, when you yourself are a girl. This denial, this self-loathing is what caused the construction of your barriers. Still, did you truly deserve this? Does anyone truly deserve this?

You are close to your last breath, you know it. But what good are these remaining breaths when you have no one to share them with. You are alone.

_I'm alone._

Loneliness is a funny concept, you think. People depend on other people to bring them happiness, to bring them meaning and to bring them love. You've never had that. You have always been on your own. There was a time when you did, but you ruined that. You could not be what she needed you to be. Your walls prevented it and as hard as she tried, as you tried, neither of you could bring them down. Lima, Ohio is not accepting of people like you, people who do not fit their ideals. Nor is God, or so you were told. For that reason you did not hold her hand in public, nor show your affection. You slept with any guy willing just to feel normal, to feel anything actually.

_Feelings get you killed._

You're here because you came to fix what you once destroyed; it has been the only good thing in your life. Yes you came from a supportive family who gave you everything you wanted, but in order to do this your parents had to work hard. They would spend all their time at the hospital where they both were employed and being both doctors, well they never had any time for you. Adding being an only child into the equation, even at a young age you accepted being alone.

You mind if getting off track. You need to voice this, if not just to yourself.

Her smile, it can light up a room and if not, at least your world. She said that is all that really matters; you._ She lied._

You are starting to feel bitter now and you are not sure who these feelings are directed at. _Her or me? _Actually, you know. You know you can never feel anything ill towards her. You know why she had to end things between you; to protect her own heart, but in the process, shattering yours. You were hurting her, not intentionally, but you were so focused on what people, who you will never really care about, thought, instead of on the one who means everything. That's why you came, is it not?

You know you're just thinking in circles, but it's too hard to concentrate; you cannot will yourself to do so.

_Do I regret coming?_

No.

It's such a simple answer, but the simplest are always the most meaningful. You know you would do anything for her, even after all this time. To many a year would not seem like such a long period, but to you, a girl of merely nineteen years, it's a lot. You have not had many of them and now will you never get the chance to have anymore. You wish you could have spent the last year, no, the last few years, doing what you believe you were put on this Earth to do; love her. You came here to fight, to fulfil your destiny to protect her and give her all that she needs, but you are too late.

_Is this a sign?_

You wonder if this is God's punishment, but for what you are not sure. Is it because you are gay? Is it because it was never meant to be? Your insecurities pushed her away and into the arms of another, Sam, and now when you decided that she is to be yours, God laid a hand because she has done what you could not; moved on. You know she is happy with him, _would she be happier with me?, _you are quite sure she would, she said so once herself. _"I may not know a lot of things, San, but I know that we are meant to be. I know that as long as I have you, I will always be happy. I love you."_ Surely that still rings true? Surely she would have taken you back?

_Brittany._

When you think of her, hear her name, various words pop into your head that could describe her, though none do her justice. The most prominent being 'life'. To many this may sound strange, but to you it's the word which encompasses all that she is. She is your life. Without her, there is not point to living. Without her, you cannot breath. Without her, you are alone. Her cerulean eyes, always so bright and full of mirth, draw you in. They draw you in, in such a way that you feel like your drowning. Drowning in a sea of love and understanding.

No one has ever understood why you behave in such a way, why you constantly feel the need to attack others to stop them seeing who you truly are, no one but she. She loves, _loved, _you regardless and stood up for you and no one could fathom why. Yes you were best friends, but why? Why were you best friends?, they wondered. She is so innocent and you, you are the epitome of cruelty.

Now as you lie here slowly dying, you regret it. You regret not being yourself, not telling the truth and most of all, not protecting Brittany as you promised you always would.

_Did they ever know?_

You wish, now more than ever, that they did. You wish that they could see you did not mean all those awful things you yelled at them, that you were just scared, scared of the fact that they would hate you for loving your best friend, a girl. By pushing them away you thought you would spare yourself that hurt of them leaving you if they found out your secret, you could say you did not need them anyway and you got rid of them by choice.

_It all comes back to the feeling of loneliness._

Crumpled on the cold tiled floor, dented lockers from previous abuse, your only support, you realise that this situation is all your doing. If you had not pushed all of them away, her away, you would not have needed to be here. You would not be alone. It's funny really, you think this to be poetic justice, bad things happen to bad people and you are certainly no saint. Fitting your death should be spent how you spent the rest of your life; alone.

_I'm sorry._

You wish you could apologise. But your life force is draining and you know it's futile to try and act on your dying thoughts. You cannot move and you cannot speak. You hope that when they find your body that they will realise you are not as heartless as you made yourself appear. Brittany knew you well and you hope that she realises you came for her, to be with her. Then again, you hope that she remains ignorant to the fact. You do not want her to blame herself for your death like you know she will, she is too good for that, _too good for you_, you think.

"CLEAR!"

You hear being faintly called, yet in reality it was much louder, your hazy brain just could not comprehend this. The footsteps are getting closer, this you can tell, but it's too late. They're too late. _I was too late._ Murmuring is all you hear, you cannot distinguish voices or what they are saying, but you wish they would just leave. You need quite to think, they're just distracting you and it's not like they can help anyway. _I'm as good as dead._

A flurry of activity surrounds you and you know that the students of McKinley High are on their way to escaping their torment. You cannot see it, but you know. Others in your position might wish that they could be joining them, but not you, you just wish you could hold Brittany one last time, apologise before the end. But why waste what little time remains wishing on something impossible? _Brittany would say nothing's impossible._

"SANTANA!"

You hear a muffled shout, but to everyone else, a piercing shriek. You know it's her, not because of her voice, or because of the others yelling her name to not go to your body, but because you've always had this ability to sense where she is. It's as if you two are tethered together by some unknown force, binding you for life. Right now you're not sure if you want that to be a possibility. Surely if you were bound, taking away one half would leave the other without a connection, right? You do not want that for her, for her to be alone. You cannot have her go through what you have gone through all your life. You cannot have her end up as a shell of a person like you. It is the worst fate imaginable.

She's practically on your lap now, screaming for you to wake up, to open your eyes. The irony of that being opening your eyes to the truth is what brought you here. _But I don't regret it._ This perfect human, a girl who sees the world in such a special manner, once belonged to you. She once chose you and that feeling of being loved is so overwhelming that a tear slips from your eye; this lets her know you are still hanging on, still fighting for just that extra minute to spend with her.

_I love you._

Both of you voice it at the same point in time, her through speech and you through thought; that connection is still there. Another tear slips and as your final seconds tick away, yet you've never been happier. _She loves me._ She may be with another, but she still has those feelings which, once upon a time, scared you. You may not get to spend the rest of your life with her, but the knowledge that you are not alone for you dying breaths, the knowledge that no matter your past indiscretions, she still loved you upon your dying moments. It was enough to bring a faint smile to your lips as you slipped away into the unknown.

If you had lived for five more seconds, you would have felt her press her soft lips against yours, but life after death does not permit this. You are gone, never to return to this world.

You did not witness your funeral, or how countless people attended. You did not acknowledge all those who you once wronged forgave you, or that those same people also asked for forgiveness for not helping you through your struggles. You did not feel the bereavement that permitted the air, which caused so many to shed tears and you were not there to comfort Brittany in her time of need. You did not hear the songs the Glee Club performed in your memory or how they fell apart on stage. You never got to realise that you were not alone in your life, so many came to mourn you but you will never know this because your time has passed.

In time you will be forgotten, once all those who hold your memory dear pass as well, but for now they will carry your name in their hearts. They remember you for who you truly were and not who you pretended to be. They know that sometimes we don't say what we feel, not because we don't want to, but because we don't know how.

You were the only fatality of the McKinley High shooting.


End file.
